"Everyone else has been classified. Can we please finish this stupid list?" The voice from the end of the table has lost its jolly. Bushy white squeeze the twinkle out of Santa's eyes, an expression that might explain terrified toddlers throughout the world, "Remember: we're only supposed to check it twice."

"One more time. Linus Torvalds. Come on, this guy is a definite 'nice'. How can you elves say 'naughty'? He wrote software and made it a gift to the world. He kept working with it and with others until a mini-revolution got rolling."

"Big guy," Jake, lead systems elf for the second shift, motions Santa away from the table for a private tête-a-tête. "We love the guy. Heck, most of us have pet penguins. Linux is great stuff. Some companies' have seen their stock skyrocket just because they started using Linux."

"That's pretty silly," Santa replies, "but nice."

"Very nice. Sure, it's silly, but it means that people realize that Linux can be a competitive advantage. That's not the problem. The problem is Snerfy."

Santa casts a suspicious glance toward the thin pony-tailed elf casually sipping a skinny decaf latté on the opposite side of the table.

"What kind of problem?," he asks.

"Y'see, the Linux source code includes a file called "CREDITS" that lists people who've contributed to the Linux kernel. Snerfy's name ain't in it, Santa. Open Source guys may not care about getting money, but they want credit where it's due."

"Snerfy contributed to Linux?" Santa's asks, eyes wide as saucers.

"Not exactly, but sort of," Jake continues. "Linux programs now use the ELF format. The Snerf Man figures he's the best elf hacker in the world and his name ought to be in the credits list."

"That's not enough for a 'naughty' ruling, Jake."

Alarm spread across Jake's face. "No, no, no! Not so fast, big guy. Snerfy's the best systems guy within 1000 miles of here. This whole place falls apart if he goes."

"Why would he go anywhere? Isn't he happy?"

"You haven't been following the business news, have you? It's a whole new world out there, Santa. Microsoft's been pretty busy for the last year or so with defending itself in court and trying to squeeze W2K out the door. While they were looking the other way, the tech industry has gone crazy. Between Internet startups and Linux IPO's bringing in billions, guys like Snerfy are hot, hot, hot. Just wait 'til Y2K passes and a bazillion projects come off hold. And we got stuff that can't be handled remote. You ever try finding someone who LIKES teeny tiny cubicles and wants to relocate to the North Pole?"

Santa strokes his great white beard as they return to the table.
" OK. Torvalds is naughty. Coal for him."
"Who's next? Richard Stallman and the entire Free Software Foundation? How can that be?" He looks to Jake, whose head is tilting toward Snerfy. "What's the problem this time?" he asks, exasperation nearly choking the question.

Jake's answer is one word: "GNOME." Seeing Santa's helpless look, Jake moves to reassure him. "Hey, it ain't so bad. Stallman lives a very simple life. Who knows? He might even use the coal for heat."

Santa's eyes brighten. "All right then. Extra coal for Stallman."

"That brings us to the last name and I don't see any problem with this one. Bill Gates. Mrs. Claus, who is, after all, Chairman of the Board around here, loves Bill and loves his stock. Do you know how much we've made on Microsoft stock around here? I can guarantee you Mrs. Claus does. Our operations have been smooth as silk since we switched to NT and Office. Mrs. Claus even arranged for us to be a beta site for that neat new Windows 2000. Bill's as nice as nice can get. Besides, if Bill's not nice, ol' Santa's sleeping on the sofa tonight."

After taking a moment to clean the mess from Snerfy's dropped latte, Jake makes his case. "Santa, we aren't using NT or Windows 2000 anywhere in the shop. Mrs. Claus has the only NT box in the joint. The reason everything works so well is that Snerfy moved everything over to Linux. Heck, Win2000 never even got in the door. As soon as he saw that Active Directory wouldn't play nice with our DNS servers, Snerfy sent every copy of Win2000 to our alternative gifts for bad little boys and girls department. He even moved all of our Christmas letter handling to StarOffice. Productivity went up 15% from lack of reboots alone."

"I'd better call the boss on this one," Santa replies. "I don't think she's going to be very happy about this."

Santa gets Mrs. Claus on the phone and relays the entire story. Every now and then he holds the phone away from his ear as Mrs. Claus gets especially agitated. After a while, he stops to ask Jake a question. "Jake. This Linux stuff we're using. Is that the same stuff K-Tel started using before it's stock jumped?" Jake nodded in the affirmative.

As Santa listens on the phone, his expression changes from concerned to quizzical. Suddenly the red returns to his chubby cheeks and the twinkle to his eye. His grin would light up the room if the fluorescents weren't already doing that.

"What's up, Santa?" Jake asks.

"I can't really comment," the jolly old elf replies, " We're going public!"

At that, the elves, shareholders all, jump on the table and dance a giddy dance of joy. Santa's voice rings throughout the entire North Pole complex, " HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas!"

And, it would appear, a prosperous new year for all.

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